Aliens – Colonial Crap


I am neither the first nor the last to write about this game – but it is all for a bad and sad reason I must admit. Even though I’m one of those “next-gen” peeps, I’ve been fan of the Alien/Aliens series ever since I can remember. I played horrid games just because of the name and some that were actually decent. Six years back, I was 12 years old. I had no internet and had no idea that this game entered development or that it was announced. I just found out about it recently, watching a certain video on YouTube (pre-release hype). Holy shit … everyone excepted this game to be god-like. Why? Let me tell you why.

Whenever a big publisher/developer announces a new title, suddenly dust of hype rises as if the skies themselves are burning. And it winds up in disappointment 90% of the time (Diablo III is a perfect example of this if you need something). Why? Because of us – not because of the publishers/developers. Hell, Aliens is a crap game by any standards and it delivers 1% of what’s promised, but it was us who created this integrated idea about the great game where we’ll finally be able to shot aliens the way it was meant to be. Add “Gearbox” to the name “Aliens” and the entire internet is crying for the game release. Game releases … and what happens? It fucking sucks. Yes, it fucking sucks. I honestly didn’t except much from this game. Not because I’m a cynical brat but because I knew that Gearbox will have a hard time to set a foot away from their Borderlands shooting gameplay. Well, they did took a foot away but all in the wrong direction. Influence is far too obvious; you can’t mix “arcade”, ‘cartoonish’ shooter with a horror fps for crying out loud. Formula for the shitload of crazy-ass-fuck guns worked in Borderlands because IT WAS FAP LOOT FEST – Aliens is something different! It’s a horror! A FUCKING HORROR!

I just fail to realize how people ever excepted this game to be life-changing. Sure, developers were promising and promising, but didn’t Blizzard do the same shit? And to top it off, the game was on the Top Sellers day before, day of release and day afterwards. Thankfully, with the Torchlight II weekend sale, that’s fixed. Still, you pre-ordered a fucking game, wanted to play it, and then you cry because the game sucks?

TotalBiscuits  created an amazing video about pre-ordering the games. He explains that you gain 0, absolute nothing, god-abiding ZERO by pre-ordering the game. But you lose cash. No one can guarantee you that you will like the game before you play it. The concept and the idea might be something you want and you desire to play, but execution can be fucked up. You’ve noticed that I barely mentioned the overall game in the entire post – I don’t need to. You have countless great reviews out there that state all the wrongs of the game. I’m not defending anyone … I’m BASHING EVERYONE. Publishers can hype up the game … but what makes it stand out in the crowd are we, ordinary buyers.

“Hey bud, look at this aweeeeesomeeeeee trailer of the game that is bound to be greatest. It HAS CO-OP DUDE! Let’s spend 40$ each without knowing the ACTUAL GAME!”

“Uhm, thanks but no thanks.”

Yes, you should answer that way. Don’t let them sweet you in. Aliens – Colonial Crap is just one of the examples in the endless rows of crap. It appears as if we’re becoming REALLY, REALLY stupid nowadays. Instead of pre-ordering game, go get drunk. I swear, it’s better. Sure, you’ll puke and might do some stuff that should be banned from life, but at least you won’t regret spending them (well …) especially if you get laid along the way. Pre-ordering games that didn’t release any sort of the ACTUAL GAMEPLAY DEMO for you to try out is like buying a book that’s not yet written; a writer promises you a fantasy, epic adventure, but what you get is a pile of crap about the NY gangsta dudes.

Bite the lips and eat the cherries. Cherries ease any type of pain.


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