Hello everyone. It’s been awhile since I wrote anything that isn’t about the damn books (sorry, I’m quite annoyed currently over the crap I’m reading) so I decided it’d be a good idea to deviate a little bit from reading to watching. Hence today’s topic: Fucking M. Night Shyamalan. This dude can’t direct for shit.
Who gave you a right to direct ‘The Last Airbender’? GO TO FUCKING HELL
Hating on Shyamalan isn’t something new. Heck, it’s one of the things the entire internet does whenever he makes a movie. Is it justified? Fuck yeah. Although a lot of people drool over the ‘Sixth Sense’, I didn’t like it that much. I’m not saying it’s a bad movie, I’m just saying I didn’t like it very much. So, for me, Shyamalan didn’t make anything in his entire directing career to spike my interest in him. Well, that’s a lie. He did spike interest. Negative one, yeah, but interest nonetheless. I’ve watched all of his movies except ‘The Happening’. The most impact on me definitely had ‘The Last Airbender’ though, since I love the damn cartoon. I’m actually currently re-watching it, so yeah. His ‘attempt’ to reincarnate the cartoon on the big screen failed as flat as the fucking tire of a car driving across the road of fucking spikes. First of all, it seemed as he didn’t give a single flying fuck about the source material, the thing he should have been focusing on the most. Pronunciations of names, fucked up bending, story, battles, characters … ugh, is there a way for him to fuck it up even more? There probably is, after all he IS M. Night Shyamalan. However, if ‘The Last Airbender’ was his only fluke, he’d be forgiven. But fuck no. It’s just the last movie that will ever advertise his name on the posters and trailers. I mean, ‘After Earth’ just tells the whole fucking story. How do you take one of the most charismatic actors and turn him into a fucking character with no charisma to speak of? Like, who the hell was that movie made for? Fans of Jaden? Who the fuck is that? Who the fuck is a fan of a 15y old boy who wears more makeup than whores or extremely archetype transgender people in movies? He has no fucking pimples? Of course he fucking does. Everyone does. He just doesn’t shy away from wearing a shitton of makeup like most of boys his age do. Ah, screw it.
Anyway, let’s go back to Shyamalan. This dude doesn’t know how to write either. If you don’t know of awkward conversations and transitions like I didn’t until the last coffee with my friends whereas they told me that the awkward silence emerges each time I stop talking, then Shyamalan is on the path to teach you. I’ve heard better and more ‘life-like-flowing’ dialogue while taking a shit. Seriously, those fucking flies that kept buzzing round my ear had more in-depth conversation than our dear Shyamalan. He should just stop trying. He’s rich enough to simply step out of this shit and live the rest of his life in peace. If you have one movie in your lengthy career that doesn’t sort of suck, that says a lot. And not in a good way.
One of the biggest flukes, at least for me, was ‘The Signs’. A lot of people agree that this movie is actually good. Nay, it’s not. It has major inconsistencies and … well … it has fucking Mel Gibson. Look, he was great in ‘Braveheart’, but he’s not so great here. Want one example of inconsistency? Near the beginning, we learn that these ‘circles’ appeared sometime in the 80s, but that they were quickly understood as false, since some humans admitted that they made them. However, THE SAME, IDENTICAL, circles appear twenty or so years later and, bang, it must be the fucking aliens. Erm … did everyone who lived in the 80s die? Doesn’t seem so. I mean, Mel Gibson seems quite older than forty years old.
I won’t even bother talking about the ‘Village’. I mean, for me, ‘Scary Movie’s’ interpretation was far better. At least it was funny. Sort of.
M. Night Shyamalan is a mix of pretentious bullshit mixed in with some ‘know-it-all’ sentiment and agonizingly bad directing direction (no pun intended) that he should just be banned from ever making another movie. You think that’s too much? Hell, I know he’s not the worst fucking director ever, but did you see the ‘Devil’? Huh? Yeah. He gets paid in millions to do his job. And he fucks up something that could have been so amazing, that could have been a Harry Potter 2 had it been executed properly. Hell, I think that ‘The Last Airbender’ is far superior in most senses to Harry Potter, and the trustworthy adaptation of the cartoon would have boomed it far above anything else Shyamalan created, but fuck no. Take your fucking money and leave. Bury yourself someplace far away and read. And eventually die. Leave your legacy at this. Don’t try to fix it. We all doubt you’ll manage to screw it up even more, but we doubted before and yet you always managed to surpass our doubts. Fuck you.
Sincerely, a guy who can shit out better dialogue than you.