TV MOVIES – why do they still exist?
For some reason (honestly, don’t ask), I’ve started watching some TV movies recently. And I mean actual TV movies, not like Avatar or something being shown on TV. Movies that were made for TV and have aired on TV and thank Jesus have stayed on TV. So, what’s wrong with them? Erm, would it be a stretch to say everything?
I’ll start with Love 16, which has some solid reviews across the board. What the fuck? This shit doesn’t deserve average score of 6.0+. It’s bad. It’s terrible. It’s so predictable and cliché and uninteresting that I literally barely sat through the movie. I’ll give it a one or two parapgraphs to describe just what the fuck is wrong with this movie:
First and foremost, the main dude. He’s literally smiling 99% of the time. I’m not even kidding. Even if it’s supposed to be “dramatic scene” (stretching it a bit again), he’s constantly smiling. And he doesn’t even have that great of a smile! His performance equaled mine in the bathroom – disgustingly shitty.
Another thing I want to touch onto is the story and character progress. When I say story I mean “oh look, that’s a bad chick, our good chick has to win against that bad chick otherwise this movie would be pointless”. At one point in this movie, the main girl (I’ve seriously forgotten her name already), goes off to party with random “cliché bitch bitches” because she saw this main dude kiss this lass that she has to beat. However, main girl’s friend is hated and ignored by these popular girls – in spite of knowing that she still goes. Like, this happens literally within 30s – ALL OF IT. And then, about 50s later, and wise-ass quotes from mom, character that has a total of 60s worth of scenes in the movie, she’s back to her “old self”. It’s a seriously painful watch. Don’t.
Then we have Wild Girl & Chalet Girl. Quite literally the same. One goes to the school while the second one goes to work. Same issues, same “I hate these girls but they eventually turn into my friends”, etc. etc. I was actually watching these two movies back to back and was stunned just how fucking same they are.
There’s a quote in Wild Girl that goes: “Why are you doing this? You think I’m an asshole” and then the girl responds “You’re acting like an asshole. Big difference.” – NO IT’S FUCKING NOT. Being an asshole is being an asshole, despite of what you’re beneath that crap. The movie is filled with such things and is constantly shoving stupidity down your throats. Chalet Girl teaches girls that it’s okay to celebrate a birthday party at your boss’s house as long as he doesn’t find out. Naked. Screw this shit. Drama is too far –fetched, “relationship break-ups” make as much sense as me flying with a juicy-boned, white-filter watery wings.
Then we have Christmas in Boston. I’ll be honest – this one had some promise. But then they fucked it up big. Halfway through the movie I knew how it was gonna end (stupidly ofc.) and characters were as deep as the mug I’m shitting in (hint: I don’t shit in a mug). No, seriously. When you have to send your best friend to meet a guy/a girl of your dreams and then bitch about how it’s unfair that they start dating, you deserve hellspawn of mosquitoes to bite your sorry ass back to hell where you belong.
Then we have Seven Year Hitch. Seriously? Who the fuck thought it’d be a good idea to write this shit and then even MAKE IT? Have the standards of TV movies always been this low or is it just a new thing? I know you lack budget and shit, but at least give it a fucking try. Don’t mash up the first shitty thing that comes to your mind and call it a movie. Doesn’t work that way.
There are two that I honestly wasn’t able to finish: Can’t Hardly Wait and Home for Holidays. In the first twenty minutes I didn’t even chuckle watching either of them. Robert D. acts some hyperactive annoying guy you just wanna axe across the face, while Can’t Hardly Wait has Jennifer Hewit. ‘Nuff said.
Now something general about these movies: they all have horrendously similar patterns and clichés they use. They’re overusing them. They’re basing every single thing in their story on a cliché. Hot chicks can’t make up for the lack of substance and essence in your goddamn creation. It’s like that blonde hot chick in your high school – you’d give a life to fuck her, but you’d rather date and marry your sister. You don’t need 10000000000000000000000$ to write a solid, heart-touching love story between two people. None of these movies have any special effects or anything that requires heavy amounts of budget (at least while looking at them). 16 love’s entire story is set within 2 sets maximum, Seven Year Hitch = 2 houses and some company for a short while. None of these movies have resounding names that would require millions to hire … but hey, I guess it fucking works. Ugh, who gives a fuck … at least it’s not The Amazing Spiderman 2, right?
Until next time.