Celebrities talk show!
So I asked myself: how it should be if a bunch of celebrities came around and made a talk show about their previous work? So, I decided to write it. Because my logic is impeccable, and yours sucks. Alright.
For today’s episode of “CELEBS TALK TRUTH” we have our five guests:
Talk show host: well … me. I guess.
[CAMERA ROLLS: ACTION]
Me: Welcome everyone and no one to the first ever: “Celebs TALK TRUTH!” In the first time in forever, and yes I’m ripping off Frozen, who ripped off Tangled, who ripped off something else, a set of five celebrities gather around a small table and TALK TRUTH. No censores. No lies. No make-up. No nothin’. Just TRUTH. Our guests today are: Jessica Alba, pride and beauty whose tits have teased the audience of several generations but were never actually shown, Brad Pitt, used to be go-to fuck guy for all the desperate ladies out there, Taylor Swift, a girl who dated so many boys that she broke the laws of physics, M. Night, internet’s biggest joke since Call of Duty and Madonna, of whom many argue whether she’s still alive. Let’s bring them in folks!
Me: Welcome guys, it’s so nice to meet you in person. You actually look like people.
Taylor Swift: Aww, thanks. You’re so cute.
Me: Yeah, of course. Khm … so, guys, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t really like you.
Brad Pitt: That’s okay, we don’t like you either.
Me: Well that’s just nice. Anyway, let’s start our show shall we? First, we have a question for you Jessica. A guy on twitter named “tittiesOfTruth” asks: jess alba is ugly dat bitch should just show her boobs and drop dead. nobody likes her. Your answer Jess.
Jessica: Uhm … I don’t think that’s a question, you.
Me: Just answer the damn question.
Jessica: Uhm, okay. So … I’m not ugly. Far from it. And I’m not a sell-out that’ll just show her boobs the moment her career starts falling off … like some people here.
Madonna: Hey, shut your trap whore!
Jessica: Wow, someone’s getting spicy. What, your kuku friends left you?
Taylor Swift: I don’t know what’s going on here.
Brad Pitt: So, Taylor, how’s your day?
Madonna: Don’t make me go kuku on you, you nobody. The only reason people even know you is your body. Aren’t you ashamed?
Jessica: Uhm, excuse me! I had some great roles!
Madonna: Like what? Like that invisible bitch in Four superhero squad or whatever? Or that chick in Sin City? Or that bitch in Valentine’s Day? Flashback honey: Looks!
Jessica: You know what, fuck you! I don’t have to put up with the shit of a granny who packs more rotten meat in her tits than any butcher’s backyard. I don’t even know why this guy invited you here. You’re not celebrity.
Me: Now, now ladies. Everyone here deserved their spot. Next, a question for you M. Night. It’s from a guy who calls himself, or girl who calls herself, I’m not sexist, “sweetBaJesus” and she or he asks: “Do you even own brain? Did aliens from signs come and dissect you while you were asleep? Because no intelligent person would ever write the shit you do! You fuckface! Go back to India!”
- Night: I think that breaks the number of allowed letters on twitter.
Me: I never said it was from twitter. Now, ladies, come on, calm your tits. Stop biting each other. It’s not that hot to be honest. M. Night, if you would answer the question please.
- Night: Well, you see, I still am in the possession of brain. A good one if I may say so. Just because the lower bracket of people, or to be easier on the words, stupid people, don’t understand my work, doesn’t mean it’s bad. Take “After Earth” for example. It’s a perfect metaphor that one day Earth will destroy us.
Me: By all accounts, I agree, but not really because that’s kind of dumb. Most scientists believe that humans, or some catastrophe caused by another source, but Earth, will be the ultimate downfall of what we call home today. Any comments?
- Night: Scientists? Heh, they ain’t got a shit on me.
Brad Pitt: Dude, you’re bad, and you should feel bad.
- Night: I’d take you seriously, but you let your wife remove her tits. Dumb move dude. Dumb move.
Brad Pitt: Hey! It was eating her from inside! She couldn’t sleep!
Taylor Swift: She removed her tits?! Oh my god! How can she get guy’s attention now! Ugh, I gotta tweet this to ma fans. Never, remove, your, titties. They be your gold baby.
Jessica: You would have been better if you turned out like Taylor here Madonna! At least you would have gotten off your high horse and started doing some productive shit!
Me: Uhm, script writer… I don’t think Jessica is capable of actually thinking up dialogue like that. You might wanna do a bit more research when writing this.
Jessica: Fuck you, you shithead. You caused this!
Brad Pitt: YOU CARRER IS IN DUMPS, YOU’RE A JOKE AND YOU SHOULD DIE!
- Night: Says a guy who played a role in War Z.
Me: To be honest … it’s still better than anything you ever created. Even Sixth Sense.
- Night: You know what, fuck you! Fuck this show! Want the truth!? I’m a rich motherfucker, I shit gold and piss diamonds, and you do nothing! All ya here can bow down and suck. My. Black. Dick. You’ll never understand me because I’m ME, far above anything you fucks will ever be!
Me: Oookay. This is slowly getting out of hand.
Madonna: By the way, what the fuck is this little chick doing here? She’s not a fucking celebrity!
Me: Actually, Taylor is far more famous than you’ve ever been.
Madonna: What the fuck?! The bitch is only singing about how boys are dumping her! One would think she would get a clue by now!
Taylor: Hey, that’s mean!
Jessica: Grow up kid. You dated more guys in the past week than all of us here combined.
Me: I would disagree. Taylor hasn’t bad a boyfriend trouble in awhile. Besides, it’s Madonna you’re talking about. She fucked half the America before you were even born.
Madonna: Go fuck yourself! I’m not that old! And you Jess can go suck a dick of whoever you’re dating right now! The moment you get old, everyone who already hasn’t forgotten about you will! You’re not worth a cent!
Me: Sigh … okay, so that’s been that folks. If nothing, you’ve at least heard numerous uninspired insults.
You’ve just seen the true face of the people you look up to, in the first episode of: CELEBS TALK TRUTH. Stay tuned in the next week, at the same time, when we host another five people you love and adore, and strip them off the fame and show them to you bare boned. We tried that this week, but Taylor couldn’t get her dress off, Madonna broke down crying as she finally realized she’s too old for this shitf and Jessica … well, stayed Jessica. Fucking bitch.
Have fun until next week. This has been ME for CELEBS TALK TRUTH. And they really do.
- Night: You know what Brad?! Mark Wahlberg is a better actor than you! And you saw Happening, RIGHT?!
Brad: Go back to India and make my damn shoes you filthy fuck!
- Night: You racist cunt!
Brad: You job thief!
- Night: You … you … no-titty sucker!
- Night: I DON’T KNOW! … FUCK YOU!