Yes, I understand that the topic I’m discussing today is quite vague and subjective, but, regardless, I think there are at least a few things that we can agree upon. Like the lack of games THAT LET YOU PLAY AS A MOTHAFUCKIN, AWESOME, HELL-SCALED FUCKIN’ DRAGON! Come on people, make it happen!
Khm … anyway, I’ll just list a couple of things and bitch about them for a while as I move onto the next thing. Standard pattern of my posts.
- Cross-platform gameplay
Yeah, some games incorporated it, but those are rarities. I really can’t wait for a day when the multi-player is simply cross-platform, and it’s the dominant way of making games. Why? Because multiplayer of the most games dies within a first few months after the release, after which it turns into a literal fucking wasteland. I figure, with cross-platforming as a standard, the life of the multiplayer would expand to a certain degree. So yeah, game developers, get the fuck on it.
- Exclusive titles need to die, get buried in under-layer of a crap-warped abomination to never, ever again surface … ever
I honestly think this is one of the biggest bullshits in the gaming world as of … well, ever. The very idea that I’m forced to buy the entire fucking rig, a completely new machine in order to play maybe 1-2 games that are good on that platform, pisses me the fuck off. I’ve been playing games, mostly, on PC since early 2001 or so and, while I do own xbox360, I have like 2 games for the console. It’s got nothing to do with “master race” bullshit, trust me, I just think the exclusive titles are fucking stupid. If they were made ONLY by the companies that make certain consoles (microsoft, sony, whatever) then, FINE, I’ll swallow it, but fuck no. To this day I never played Bayonetta, or Bayonetta 2, by many considered the best spectacle fighter, which just happens to be my favorite genre. Thank you, inventor of this bullshit.
- Less trends … actually, NO TRENDS
I really, REALLY fucking hate when one genre/sub-genre just takes over the fucking gaming world. Like MMORGPs from 2006-2010, or Zombie-survival crap bullshits from 2011-2013/14 … it’s just terrible. You know that only, maybe, hopefully, 1 or 2 of those games are worth a damn fuck, yet LITERALLY dozens of them get published. This idea of a “trending” is just crapton of a failure, especially for people who literally couldn’t give less than zero fucks about the current trend. Make all kinds of games, with all kinds of bullshit thrown into them, just diverse them. This isn’t really developers fault, more so OURS and publishers. If gamers weren’t such pig-back-riding cunts who can’t tear the fucking cord, maybe this wouldn’t be happening every fucking year, over and over again.
- Make ports properly, fuck-damn-it
The biggest reason why I hated Dark Souls when it first came out was because it was the shittiest thing I’ve ever played on my PC in ever. I understand that it can be money-consuming to release good ports, but if you don’t plan on doing it, just don’t fucking do it. I’d rather dream about the game, and the perfect port, than play the most broken piece of crap ever. Lately, though, we’ve been getting some really decent ports (well, Dragon Age’s sucked, but whatever), and it looks promising, but it’s still not enough. Here’s my rule: if I have to spend more than 2 seconds to get to my inventory on PC, then the game wasn’t ported correctly. If I have to lower the graphics settings of a game that looks like shit anyway, just because it’s terribly optimized for PC (GTA4, lookin’ at you), then it’s a terrible port. Get your shit straight.
- Remove early-access, kickstarter, pre-order and greenlight (does that shit still exist?) from the existence
These are terrible practices that junked up as of late. I don’t care about your fucking promises. Actually, to be completely honest, I couldn’t give a single fuck about your promises. Your promises can die. What I want is a complete and functional game that I’ll buy with a money that I probably don’t deserve to have. Do these things spit out a good game here and then? Yeah, I guess. But the ratio is somewhat close to 1:when will this shit end? kind of a thing. If you aren’t financially capable of making a game, don’t. If you have passion and ideas, the lack of fucking money won’t stop you. Don’t release your unfinished crap where no one wants it. Why does pre-order need to die? Because it literally makes no sense as it is now. Usually, before, when you’d pre-order the game, you’d get to play it earlier than the rest and that’s about it. I mean, if you’re dumb enough to pre-order a game, then the “consumer practices” argument don’t mean crap. What I mean, though, is the fact that pre-orders have gone to fucking hell. There are literally 50 “packages” you can purchase, with this and that and big and low and tit and ass. Pay 5$ more for a slightly bigger boobs on that hot chick that you’ll see twice in a game? FUCK YEAH! OFC MAN! Holy crap. Just die.
- Less marketing, more game
It is really fucked up that the marketing is what REALLY sells the game. Think about it. Evolve, for instance, is the latest example. So many trailers, this and that, and what-the-fucking-not, and it turns out the game lacks so much content it might as well be called “Evolve: 60$ demo”. These are the things that are killing AAA titles. So much hype being built around the game, and, for the most part, they all fail to deliver something even remotely close to that.
- Hire the actual writers to write your goddamn sorry-ass excuse of a story
If you insist on having a story in your fucking game, then at least put some goddamn effort into it – don’t take your 10y old kid’s literature paper that he wrote the night before he was supposed to turn it in because he’s a lazy fuck like his dad/mom and put it out there as „a ground-breaking story-telling“. The stories in games are flat out fucking disgusting. The ratio of a decent story to the crap that should have never been born is astronomical. And, if I’m allowed to be biased for a moment here, it costs LITERALLY THE LEAST AMOUNT OF FUCKING MONEY TO DO! LITERALLY! In budget of the game, it probably occupies 5% or less. Why? Because writers are cheap fucks that don’t have money and will write some decent shit just to get some. Hell, pay me 200$ and I’ll write you a branching, 20h single player story. And I’ll do it in a fucking month. And I can promise that it’ll beat out 90% of the stories games nowadays shove out. Fuck goddamn it people.
- Stop with the fucking mobile-to-PC ports
Whenever I open Steam and see a game like this in the „New Releases“, I just want to fucking burn the world and watch human agonize over the fact that they’ll die. These pieces of shit should be left where they belong – in the pieces of shit storage known as the mobile „gaming“. They literally put 0% effort into even trying to convert it, let alone the fact that the fucking game is just not suited for PC. If you’re gonna develop a game for mobile platforms – great, you fucking do that – but just fucking leave it there. I don’t care if it’s among the top ten games, don’t you fucking dare to put it out on PC, specifically any of the commonly used platforms for downloading games. Put it on Newsground you greedy fuck.
- Enough of the fucking indie platformers with „unique spin that makes the game amazing experience“
Just because you have one thing that sorta makes your platformer different than the rest doesn’t mean you should fucking leave it at that. One is not enough. It never was, it still isn’t, and it’ll never fucking be. Even fucking Call of Duty puts more fucking effort into its sequels than this shit. It’s like Flappy Bird with the addition of „NOW, FOR JUST 1 COIN, YOU CAN BREAK THE FUCKING PIPE WHEN YOU HIT IT; UNLIMITED USES!!!!!!“ kind of bullshit. Just stop.
That about sums it all up at the top of my brain. I’ll probably add the second part once I actually think about it a little.
BTW: gimme more spectacle fighters and action RPGS. I crave those.